Jokes Menu - Series 1

Signs that you are no longer young

  • You are asleep, but others worry that you are dead.
  • You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • You are proud of your lawn mower.
  • Your best friend is dating someone half their age ... and isn't breaking any laws.
  • Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  • You sing along with the elevator music.
  • You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • You make an appointment to see the dentist.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • Neighbours borrow your tools.
  • People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • You have a dream about prunes.
  • You answer a question with, "because I said so!".
  • You send money to PBS.
  • The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
  • You take a metal detector to the beach.
  • You wear black socks with sandals.
  • You know what the word "equity" means.
  • You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
  • Your ears are hairier than your head.
  • You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  • You got cable for the weather channel.
  • You can go bowling without drinking.
  • You have a party and the neighbour's don't even realize it.
  • You bend over just once to get multiple items.
  • You are always saying "Why did I come in here?"
  • Feminists don't mind if you call them "Sweetie".