Jokes Menu - Series 1

The Ventriloquist

Between gigs, the ventriloquist's car breaks down. It's late at night. He's somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Fortunately, in the distance he sees the lights of a solitary farmhouse. He leaves his car, makes his way to the farmhouse, and knocks on the door.

When the farmer answers the door, the ventriloquist explains his situation and asks if he can stay the night.

The farmer replies, "And you'll probably be wanting to eat too. I guess I can oblige but I'll be wanting a little back from you in return." The farmer then asks the ventriloquist what his profession is.

When the ventriloquist answers, the farmer misunderstands and replies that in return for room and board, he'd like his visitor to examine his livestock in the morning.

The ventriloquist realizes he's been mistaken for a veterinarian and decides to play along.

The next morning, the farmer holds him to his commitment. First they visit the pigpen where the ventriloquist asks one of the pigs how he's doing. The pig replies "Oink oink, fairly well thank you. We get fed pretty good slops, sometimes even leftovers from the farmer's table, oink. We are all getting pretty fat and happy, oink oink."

The farmer does a bit of a double-take, but quickly suppresses his unease, and acts as if a talking pig is not at all unusual.

Next they visit the henhouse. The ventriloquist asks a hen how she is. And the hen replies, "Cluck cluck, I'm quite clucking well thank you. I get fed clucking nice chicken feed. The rooster clucking services me whenever I clucking want it. The only thing that clucking bothers me is that my clucking eggs keep disappearing each morning. I just don't know how I'm supposed to raise a clucking family."

The farmer again suppresses his astonishment and takes his visitor to the barn, where the ventriloquist proceeds to ask one of the cows how she's feeling. The cow replies, "Mmmmoooo, things are pretty good around here, the food is good, mmooo, and the farmer looks after us pretty well, but mmmmooo, if only he'd remember to warm his hands before he milked us."

The farmer now looks distinctly uneasy, but the ventriloquist is really enjoying himself. As they leave the barn, he asks the farmer, "And what's in that pen over there?"

The farmer answers quickly, "Oh let's not worry about that. That's just the sheep pen, and they're all lying sonsofbitches."