Jokes Menu - Series 4

On A T-Shirt

A collection of T-shirt sayings

Son of Baglady

Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once

The Hunchback of Notre Dame's secret mantra: Oh mommy pat my hump.

What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.

We have them just where they want us. J. T. Kirk

I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking.

Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. --Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.

When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.

Sex is a disrobic experience

Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.--J.T. Kirk

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.--Albert Einstein

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.

Power means not having to respond.

Onward, through the fog.

Never kick a man unless he's down.

Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.

We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

How can I love you if you won't lie down?

I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

You can find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

To err is human. To forgive is unusual.

Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.

I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.

I'm the person your mother warned you about.

How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face?

God is dead and I want His job.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

Our parents were never our age.

Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.

There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

In the country of the blind the one eyed man is lynched.

He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.--Mae West

I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, okay?

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.

You can't fall off the floor.

Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.--Mae West

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I worship the ground that awaits you.

The future isn't what it used to be.

I wish you were a beer.

I want to live forever or die in the attempt.

Love means telling you why you're sorry.

Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.

Better dead than mellow.

If I follow you home will you keep me?

A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.

Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass.

The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies

It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.

Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.

Kite fliers keep it up longer.

My human experience is just beginning (This one on a little kid's shirt)

If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Nuke the whales

Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.

I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.

Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

I'm not cynical. Just experienced.

The torture never stops.

Ignore alien orders.

I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.

Bend over. I'll drive.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, No problem.

Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick.

We dive at five.

I'd walk over you to see the Who.

It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

I'm for lust.

I want a meal, not a snack.

Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain.

The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.