Jokes Menu - Series 2

The Top 101 Things NOT to Say During Sex

  • But everybody looks funny naked!
  • You woke me up for that?
  • Did I mention the video camera?
  • Do you smell something burning?
  • (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
  • Try breathing through your nose.
  • A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
  • Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  • Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
  • But whipped cream makes me break out.
  • Your Partner asks: This is your first time.. right? You reply: Yeah.. today
  • (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
  • Can you please pass me the remote control?
  • Do you accept Visa?
  • ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
  • On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
  • And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
  • So much for mouth-to-mouth.
  • (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
  • Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
  • (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
  • Do you get any premium movie channels?
  • Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
  • (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
  • Got any penicillin?
  • But I just brushed my teeth...
  • Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
  • I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
  • I want a baby!
  • So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
  • (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
  • Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
  • Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  • I think you have it on backwards.
  • When is this supposed to feel good?
  • Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
  • You're good enough to do this for a living!
  • Is that blood on the headboard?
  • Did I remember to take my pill?
  • Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
  • I wish we got the Playboy channel...
  • That leak better be from the waterbed!
  • I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
  • But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
  • Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  • If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
  • No, really... I do this part better myself!
  • It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
  • This would be more fun with a few more people..
  • You're almost as good as my ex!
  • Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  • Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
  • You look younger than you feel.
  • Perhaps you're just out of practice.
  • You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
  • They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
  • Now I know why he/she dumped you...
  • Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
  • You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
  • What tampon?
  • Have you ever considered liposuction?
  • And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
  • What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  • I have a confession...
  • I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
  • Are those real or am I just behind the times?
  • Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
  • Is that a hanging sculpture?
  • You'll still vote for me, won't you?
  • Did I mention my transsexual operation?
  • I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
  • Did you come yet, dear?
  • I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
  • A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
  • Does this count as a date?
  • Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
  • Hic! I need another beer for this please.
  • I think biting is romantic- don't you?
  • Next time, let's include your sister...
  • When would you like to meet my parents?
  • You: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Your Partner: Yourself?
  • Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
  • Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
  • Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
  • (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
  • I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
  • Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
  • Sorry but I don't do toes!
  • You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
  • Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
  • Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
  • I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer."
  • So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
  • My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
  • Is this a sin too?
  • I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
  • Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
  • Long kisses clog my sinuses...
  • Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
  • How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
  • You mean you're NOT my blind date?

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